14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?