14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
multitasking lunch
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”