Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

This could be us… but you playing

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]