Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?