Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit