14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.