14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
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so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.