14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”