14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
just left a huge legacy in there
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.