Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Body by Oreos

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

A new level of troll.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car