14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.