14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
as the prophecy foretold
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Something Saturday.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.