14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room