Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much