Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal question. #JustSaying

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.