Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Always the vampires

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

life finds a way

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

Good morning, Twitter x

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

thanksgiving should be called feaster

Help