14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
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The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
🚲+physics = winner