Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

How I like cutting carbs

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.