14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
doing some research
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
motivation
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
where do you see yourself in five years?
