Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

your honor my client chooses dare

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.