@HuffPostComedy

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

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@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@autocorrects

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

@Darlainky

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

@BGH70

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

@decentbirthday

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@Vice_Queen

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

@bosley_peyton

My sister used a Kroger bag to bleach her hair and the logo came off on her head happy Monday

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.