[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes