Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

me before I type out affect or effect

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward