Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

how many bears make up a bear minimum

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.