Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

My love language is hissing.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.