Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

At a business meeting:

“How about SuperCupid?”

“No, expectations will be too high”

“GreatCupid?”

“Lower”

“Uhhh, OKCupid?”

“Brilliant”

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.