14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
How animals would run if they were human
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.