Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

All set.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.