14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist