Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Miscakes

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”