Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

old twitter is back baby

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.