Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.