I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
So, can we agree on 4 or
my professor scared me for a second
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go