Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?