Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

President The Rock Obama

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

secret recipe

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Goat cheese is for herders.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.