Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.