@Prof_BrianCocks

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

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@bacon_gillepic

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

@vinfury

If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

@mikeleffingwell

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@respected_loner

i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is

@BDGarp

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

@TinderSoul

*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole

I’ve made a grave mistake.

@CharlieDontSrf

If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out

@brianbowman73

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

@lovstructionist

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

@mortimermaiden

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.