Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
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If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole
I’ve made a grave mistake.
If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.