“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
remember
only for emergencies
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics