Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.