After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I beg your pardon?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.