[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
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When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]