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@PetrickSara

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

@ojedge

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

@beefman138

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

@ibid78

[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons

@RunOldMan

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

@Cpin42

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.