Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
i wish i could marry a nap