why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Sooo many times…..
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”