If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.