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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Breaking news:
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed