I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
#oldknees
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy