You Might Also Like
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster