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Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Bread puns are on the rise!
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.