“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦