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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Come back with a warrant
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
This is the best one I’ve seen
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*