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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions