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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’m putting together a team
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.