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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[montage of me giving-up]
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.