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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
what the
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP