Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Tier 3 meme
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.