Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.