14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.