Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

What the hell is going on?

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

I didn’t realize that was an option

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”