14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.


[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*


Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant


“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting


I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’


My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.