Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

😂

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.