Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”