Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

here we go again

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

this is a sign that you need a union

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious