Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

OH. COME. ON.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.