Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

I never know how much to tip a cow.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛