15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.