Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

The Backseat Boys

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”