Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Straight people are cancelled