Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

My teenage children choosing violence

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket