Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

He a real one for that

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.