Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.