Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

finally

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes