15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
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me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers