Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle